GREETINGS AND KINDEST FELICITATIONS, PEOPLE OF AMERICA, MY NAME IS BARRACK HUSSEIN OBAMA AND I WRITE TO YOU WITH GREAT SORROWNESS IN MY TIDINGS

GREETINGS AND KINDEST FELICITATIONS, PEOPLE OF AMERICA,

MY NAME IS BARRACK HUSSEIN OBAMA AND I WRITE TO YOU WITH GREAT SORROWNESS IN MY TIDINGS. DUE TO AN UNFORESEEN ACCIDENT OF A CALAMITABLE PROPORTION, THE ECONOMY IN MY COUNTRY IS IN GREAT SHAMBLES AND WE ARE IN A TIME OF GREAT TROUBLES.

HOWEVER THROUGH CALAMITY COMES ALSO PLENTIOUS OPPORTUNITIES. THROUGH MY GOVERNMENTAL POSITION, I HAVE ACQUIRED ADVANCED KNOWLEDGE ON NUMERABLE EQUITY POSITIONINGS THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO RISE IN VALUE OVER THE COMING TIMES TO AN AMOUNT OF 500% (FIVE HUNDRED PERCENT, UNITED STATES PERCENTAGES), THAT I GREATLY WISH TO PASS ON TO YOU, IN ORDER THAT YOU MAY PROFIT AND PROSPER FROM MISFORTUNE OF OTHERS.

BUT, THERE IS, IN MY PATH A PROBLEMATIC ISSUE THAT COULD PREVENT ME FROM PASSING ON THIS VALUABLE KNOWLEDGE WITH WHICH I REQUIRE YOUR COLLABORATIVE ASSISTANCESHIP. TO THIS END: THE LIST OF EQUITIES (STOCKS) THAT WILL BE ON THE UPRISING IS SO LARGE THAT I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL SUPPORT IN PAYING FOR THE LONG PHONE CALL THAT IS REQUIRED TO INFORM YOU OF THE PENDING INCREASE IN THEIR VALUE.

TO HELP ME, PLEASE WIRE DEPOSIT 700 TRILLION DOLLARS IN THE FEDERAL RESERVE BANK OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THAT I WILL BE IN THE ACCESS OF USING THE FEDERAL UNION TRANSFER WIRE TRANSFER, IN ORDER THAT I CAN ACQUISITE THE REQUIRED FUNDS TO PAY FOR THE EXTENDED LONG DISTANCE CALL TO YOU FROM MY LOCATION.

OF NOTICE TO YOU (ATTENTION PLEASE) - I AM NOT IN THE COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THE AMOUNT IN WHICH I WILL NEED IN ORDER TO MAKE THE CALL TO YOUR LOCATION. AS SUCH I AM IN THE CHOOSING OF 700 TRILLION DOLLARS BECAUSE I WISH TO CHOOSE ‘A SUITABLY LARGE NUMBER’, AND SO FORTH ANY LEFT OVER FUNDS WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU WITH PROMPTNESS AND GRATITUDE. ALSO I MUST SAY, THOUGH I AM CERTAINLY MOST ASSUREDLY POSITIVE THAT IT WILL NOT COME TO PASS, BUT I MAY BE IN THE NEEDING OF MORE FUNDS IN ORDER TO COMPLETE THE TELEPHONICAL CALL TO TELL YOU OF THE EQUITIES (STOCKS) IN WHICH THERE IS SURE TO BE A 500% RISE.

PLEASE REPLY TO MY HOTMAIL ADDRESS WHERE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO DELIVER THE MONIES TO MY FEDERAL RESERVE ACCOUNT BANK, SO THAT I CAN BEGIN THE DELIVERY OF THE NAMES OF THE EQUITIES (STOCKS).

I WAIT IN HUMBLE SUPPLICATIVENESS FOR YOUR GENTLE RESPONSE.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU AND KINDLY PLEASE YOU.

BARRACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

(written in response to Obama’s statement that “now may be a good time to buy stocks”, a month or so ago. You are thinking 'ooh but look at all the green shoots! He was right! Yeah? Well go talk to you grandmother about how things felt before it all fell apart in 1929. No, fuck that: talk to her about the stories she was told by >her<>real< great depression)